To My First True Love
You have been working on me for years now.
When I really think about it, You’ve been there all along.
You have always wanted my heart in Your hands because that’s how You made me. To be loved. To love. To feel deeply. To give. To receive.
But life has a funny way of distorting things.
Pain came. Disappointment came. Sorrow came.
And slowly, my heart grew hard.
I started believing that the person I had become was simply who I was. Maybe I was just guarded. Maybe I was just independent. Maybe I didn’t need anyone. Maybe this was just me now.
Until I encountered You.
And over these last couple of years, You have been doing something in me that I didn’t even realise I needed.
You’ve been renewing my mind.
Little by little, You’ve been changing the way I see myself. The way I see love. The way I see people. The way I see You.
You’ve been teaching me what love actually looks like.
Not just through Your Word, but through situations. Through conversations. Through disappointment. Through people. Through the moments I didn’t understand at the time.
Sometimes by teaching me boundaries.
Sometimes by showing me where I needed to forgive.
Sometimes by revealing the places in me that still needed healing.
And sometimes, love has simply looked like You reminding me that I am still Your daughter, even when I don’t feel particularly lovable.
Every day, I’m learning more about Your character.
I’m learning about the heart You have for Your children.
I’m learning that Your love isn’t always about giving me what I want. Sometimes it’s about transforming me into someone who can actually carry what I’ve been asking You for.
That’s a different kind of love.
A love that doesn’t just comfort me, but changes me.
A love that doesn’t enable me to stay the same.
A love that gets into the deepest places and says, we’re going to deal with this too.
1 Corinthians 13:13
The greatest of these is Love.
And honestly, it has been a rollercoaster.
There have been moments where I’ve understood everything, and moments where I’ve understood absolutely nothing.
Moments where I’ve felt so close to You, and moments where I’ve wondered where You were.
But looking back, I can see Your hand through all of it.
You were teaching me.
You were softening me.
You were restoring something in me that life had convinced me I had lost.
And somehow, after all of the wrestling, questioning, learning, unlearning and becoming…
You have brought me somewhere I’ve never really been before.
Resting.
Not striving to be loved.
Not trying to prove myself.
Not constantly protecting my heart.
Just resting in Your arms.
And maybe that’s what I’ve been learning all along.
That love isn’t just something You give me.
Love is something You are teaching me to become.
The more I encounter You, the more I understand that the love I am able to give others flows from the love I have first received from You.
So when I love someone patiently…
When I choose forgiveness…
When I show kindness…
When I listen…
When I make room for someone…
When I choose not to repay hurt with hurt…
That’s You working in me.
And perhaps that’s one of the most beautiful things about walking with God.
He doesn’t just love us.
He teaches us how to love.
So, to my first true love…
Thank You for finding me in the places where I had forgotten who I was.
Thank You for being patient with me.
Thank You for not allowing pain to have the final say over my heart.
Thank You for renewing my mind, softening my heart and showing me that there is more to love than I once understood.
I’m still learning.
Still becoming.
Still discovering You.
But for the first time in a very long time…
I’m not afraid to rest.
I’m home in Your arms.
And I think I’m finally beginning to understand what love is. 🤍